Refueling My Wells

Normally a glass half full personality, I recently found myself feeling like my glass was broken. My emotional well was flooded with feelings of failure, feelings of inadequacy. My mental well was depleted. My physical well was exhausted. My creative well, empty.

I was so far down that instead of looking forward to our upcoming vacation, I was dreading it. Who does that?

During the long drive from Illinois to the Badlands and Black Hills of South Dakota, a vacation we’d been planning for over a year, I had a lot of time to think. You’ve heard of the sandwich generation? Well, I’m the very thinly spread mayo of the sandwich. My daughter suffers from sometimes crippling anxiety and depression. My mom leans on me after losing my dad just before Valentine’s Day this year. She is struggling without her life partner – emotionally and financially. And here I am, the mayo, trying very hard to keep the family together.

I know there are many people much worse off, and I’m not complaining – not really. I love my family. But on the drive west I realized I’ve been so busy trying to be strong for everyone else that I haven’t been taking care of myself. The anxious weight of responsibilities, real and imagined, has been heavy on my shoulders.

A few hours into the drive, I could feel the tension easing out of my body. Physically leaving it all behind meant the various family members would need to reach out to their other supporters. As much as I want to, I can’t. Fix. Everything. Not now, and probably not ever.

I NEEDED that vacation. Two weeks for me, myself, and I. Well, and my hubby too. I prayed. I started taking in the beautiful scenery and letting it flow over me. We played the license plate game as we drove, and I felt like a kid again. I felt free.

The Badlands are beautiful but stark. We drove through Badlands National Park and hiked some of the trails. We saw prairie dogs, mule deer and bighorn sheep. Forced to be mostly disconnected due to spotty cell phone reception, I found myself relaxing even more.

Two days later we moved to the Black Hills. Still beautiful but very different scenery. Cell reception improved but Wi-fi was iffy, even in our campground. I was starting to embrace the forced disconnection. For ten days, we camped – er, glamped. I really like having my own bathroom and a real bed. We took day trips to hike, view magnificent scenery, and look for wildlife. My photographer self was in love with the land and the photo opportunities there. We saw more prairie dogs, coyotes, wild turkeys, pronghorn, and lots of buffalo. We visited a wild horse sanctuary – be still my heart! We even saw a rattlesnake but thankfully he was on the road and NOT on one of our trails.

I was breathing deeply of fresh, pine scented air with no pollens irritating my allergies. I was hiking and observing breathtaking views, filled with awe at the sights so different from those at home. Evenings were spent sitting around my own Survivor-like tiki torches when we couldn’t have a fire, star-gazing and just being in the moment. On the few nights we were able to have a fire, I sat staring into the flames; listening to the sounds of the night, emptying my head of endless thoughts, and letting the breeze carry my worries away.

Relaxing. Refueling my wells. Rebuilding myself. 

A week after returning home, my glass is glued back together. My emotional well feels strong. My mental well feels capable and in control once again. My physical well feels rested and refreshed. And best of all, my creative well is overflowing! 

I hope I learned from this experience how important it is to take care of myself.

What do you do to refuel your well-being? Please share.

 

Roll, Adapt, and Carry On!

2016 has been a year of changes and challenges.  I’ve always prided myself on my ability to roll, to adapt and carry on.  Then this year, hormones happened.  I found myself in unfamiliar territory.

Women often take care of everyone but themselves.  It’s easy to fall in to this habit, especially when we are part of the sandwich generation.  We have children to raise, relationships to nurture, and aging parents who need care.  The children have extra-curricular activities that demand more and more of our time.  There are bills to pay, dishes and laundry to do, and significant others who need attention.  Somewhere within our 24 hours each day, we are supposed to exercise, eat well, and get enough sleep. And when are we supposed to fit in “me” time? When am I supposed to fit in sufficient writing time?

I don’t know about you, but there are not enough hours in my day to get it all done, let alone do it all well!

The beginning of my end was a routine doctor appointment.  I knew my blood pressure was up that day, but when it was high enough to alarm the nurse, I tried to brush it off as white-coat syndrome.  I think I might have had her fooled until she asked if my children were healthy.  Both of us were caught off-guard by me suddenly dissolving in tears.  Thankfully my NP is like a friend.  My words tumbled out.  What a relief to finally be able to say all the things I hadn’t even realized I needed to say! 

She admonished that I need to take care of me. While it’s admirable to want to be superwoman, I have to take care of myself FIRST.  Physically and mentally.  Soon, a low-dose anxiety medicine had me feeling more in control. I was sleeping again, had energy to exercise, and was even motivated to eat better.

Then life threw me another curve ball, and although it was expected at some point, I wasn’t quite ready. My youngest moved out.  While I’m feeling empty and unneeded, my hubby is feeling his oats and acting like he’s 18 again!  Adjusting to an empty nest has been… interesting!

By making myself a priority again, I've found it easier to juggle the responsibilities on my plate. Daily walks, drinking more water, trying to eat better, and sharing my concerns with Hubby and trusted friends all contribute to feeling more balanced and capable. Writing has become even more important because it's a creative outlet for me.

Changes and challenges will probably continue, but I’ve rediscovered my ability to roll, to adapt and carry on. 

Do you have any tips for keeping your life balanced?  Please share!