Fuel Love

Stunned. Again. Senseless killing. Again.

It's been a few weeks, but it’s still hard to process the mass shooting at the Orlando nightclub on Sunday, June 12. More than one hundred people shot, fifty killed. So much destruction. So much sorrow and grief. So much anger and disappointment.

So much blind hatred that finds expression in devastation. It touches us all, regardless of any personal beliefs. This is our country, our home, our loved ones, and our way of life – all precious to us.

Emotions overwhelm me as the story is recounted. A young man who at one moment was talking and dancing with friends and in the next watching them fall, bloody, wounded, lifeless. Parents still waiting to learn if their child is alive. Survivors and their families elated that they are alive, but also devastated that others did not. I wonder at how people survive an ordeal of such great magnitude that it won’t stop replaying in their head, with all the horror still fresh. When it seems as though the world has stopped turning, how do we go on with our normal lives knowing that for so many there is bottomless sorrow, and that the senseless death will probably strike again? Things are so complex and there are no simple solutions.

I think the answers to those questions are varied. But in general, I’ve answered them for myself by grounding myself in the power of love yet acknowledging the pain and the joy; the suffering and the support. We can be tender and raw with emotions and still go on. I think we must go on with our lives, but we can do so living with more awareness and with more attention to doing what needs to be done in our own lives. I can be tenderhearted with my words and chose to speak with consciousness. If I have a project to complete, I can work at it with recognition that I have an opportunity to do so. If I go to lunch with a friend, I can be really present for that person. When I sweep my kitchen floor, I can appreciate that I have a home. Awareness of the tragedies in life can bring up close the pleasure of a cup of our favorite coffee, available to us so easily. And maybe if we have to stand in line for a bit to get it, awareness of the suffering other people endure can temper our impatience. Maybe we can smile at the server and offer a sincere thank you, knowing that in other places here and around the world, there is deep sorrow and despair.

We can’t fix the world or rescue everyone. But we can do what we do and do it with heart. By living with attention and awareness, we make the world a better place, I believe, and fuel love, not hatred.

Foggy Meanings

I'm an introvert, hence I’m someone who naturally goes for the deep meaning, the explanation, the "ya see, Timmy," when things in life go right and when they go wrong. When my children are going through tough times my mind tends to suggest things like, "This experience builds character." If a job opportunity doesn't pan out, my brain may suggest, "There's something better coming."

This tendency goes for my writing, as well. If I don't sell a story idea to a market or my latest book is rejected, once again, I find myself looking for and maybe assigning an abstract meaning to the rejection – it's a sign I'm not meant to write. Maybe this tendency is an influence of my fundamentalist upbringing. Nothing happens just because; there is a message or lesson. It can be exhausting. Such is the life of a member of a self-aware species, an introvert and the survivor of an intense upbringing.

It also can be exhausting to simply be present with what is. It's hard to stay put and persevere when things don't seem to be going well. To avoid the move away to something more comfortable or the quick explanation. If I do that maybe I'll see that my book is crap. Maybe I need to do some serious revisions. I have started more than one story but I can't sustain them, so am I lacking in creativity? I'm struggling with finding an audience, so what does that mean? I have a healthy readership but now I feel like I can't do something different for fear of losing them. If I stay in the place of how situations like this make me feel, what are the implications? Cue abstract message: "Ya see, Timmy, we don't always get what we want."

The problem with moving to some meaning that may not be applicable is it may not be useful for anything other than assuaging the discomfort of the truth. My story is crap. I do need to revise extensively. I need to spend time doing more research so I have more information to draw from. I don't have an audience and how am I going to find it? If I change my writing, I may lose readers, but do I still want to change?

Wise people, people who are not me, suggest that in staying put and not resorting to the ya see, Timmy, writers may find a more meaningful truth about themselves and their writing. It may be an opportunity if we can sit with the situation for a bit and let it tell us more. It may be an opportunity we don’t want to miss.

This parable seems fitting:

A man built his house on a cliff by the sea. He was excited about the view. Soon, a month-long fog rolled in. He quickly hated the place because it pained him that it wasn't the beautiful thing he had envisioned. He moved away. A week after he'd gone, the fog cleared.

I'm frequently the person who curses the fog, not having the patience to wait and learn, and concludes, "It wasn't meant to be." Have you had a situation in your writing life where you needed to wait and because you did, you learned something? Share?